Don’t Should on Yourself

How leadership, fear, and internalized expectations almost derailed my growth

and how I see it play out every day in the women I coach.

Early in my leadership career, after being promoted to manage a team for the first time, I carried a heavy backpack of “shoulds.” And as the fear grew, I piled on more.

I should always have the answers.
I should be stoic and composed.
I should already know how to handle this.
I should push through the exhaustion.
I should be the one who knows the next right step when the team comes to me.

At the time, I believed this was what strong leadership looked like: clear, decisive, and invulnerable. I thought being effective meant being impermeable.

But looking back now, I can see what was really going on.

It wasn’t strength. It was fear dressed up as performance.

Fear of being exposed.
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of disappointing the people who believed in me.

Those fears shaped my behavior in subtle but profound ways. I micromanaged. I over-prepared. I held myself apart from the team when what we really needed was connection. And I carried it all silently, assuming that anything less than perfection would prove I wasn’t cut out for the job.

And here’s what happened: it backfired.

I became disconnected—from the team, from collaboration, and from my own instincts.
I was exhausted all the time, operating from a place of depletion and dread.
And the work suffered. Not because I wasn’t capable. Not because the team wasn’t capable. But because I was too busy performing to actually lead.

It took a lot of unlearning to realize the difference.

Performing is about controlling perception.
Leading is about creating possibility.

Those “shoulds” didn’t make me better. They made me should-y. Smaller, more rigid, and ironically, less inspiring to the people I wanted to support.

Now, as a coach to high-achieving solo moms I see this exact pattern all the time.

The “shoulds” sound different, but the impact is the same:

I should be able to juggle it all without dropping the ball.
I should never let motherhood impact how I’m perceived.
I should volunteer for this.
I should be grateful. I have a good title and a steady income.
I should be further along by now.

But here’s the truth:

These “shoulds” aren’t standards.
They’re weights.

They weigh down our brilliance, our presence, and our ability to show up as our full selves.

In my coaching practice, I help women release those weights.
Instead of over-functioning, they begin to build something more lasting: trust.

Trust in their own knowing.
Trust in their ability to lead with clarity and compassion.
Trust in a version of success that feels good—not just one that looks good.

Because here’s what I believe:

You are a human being.
You get to be messy. You get to evolve.
You get to define success on your terms—not the version someone else sold you or told you was “right.”

And when you stop shoulding on yourself, something powerful happens:

You make space for your own voice.
You lead from conviction instead of fear.
You invite others into the process and the problem-solving.
You return to the grounded, wise, vibrant version of yourself that’s been waiting underneath all the pressure.
And—maybe most importantly—you make it safe for others to show up as their whole selves, too.

So, here’s the question I’ll leave you with:

What “should” are you ready to set down?